chanmyay pain doubt wrong practice keeps circling my sits, like i’m failing something basic again
It is deep into the night, 2:18 a.m., and my right knee has begun its familiar, needy throbbing; it’s a level of discomfort that sits right on the edge of being unbearable. The floor feels significantly harder than it did yesterday, an observation that makes no logical sense but feels entirely authentic. Aside from the faint, fading drone of a far-off motorcycle, the room is perfectly quiet. I find myself sweating a bit, even though the night air is relatively temperate. My consciousness instantly labels these sensations as "incorrect."The Anatomy of Pain-Plus-Meaning
The term "Chanmyay pain" arises as a technical tag for the discomfort. It's an uninvited guest that settles into the awareness. The sensation becomes "pain-plus-meaning."
I start questioning my technique: is my noting too sharp or too soft? Is the very act of observing it a form of subtle attachment? The physical discomfort itself feels almost secondary to the swarm of thoughts orbiting it.
The "Chanmyay Doubt" Loop
I attempt to stay with the raw sensation: heat, pressure, throbbing. Suddenly, doubt surfaces, cloaked in the language of a "reality check." Maybe I'm trying too hard, forcing a clarity that isn't there. Or maybe I'm being lazy, or I've completely misinterpreted the entire method.
Maybe I misunderstood the instructions years ago and everything since then has been built on a slight misalignment that no one warned me about.
That specific doubt is far more painful than the throbbing in my joint. I catch myself subtly adjusting my posture, then freezing, then adjusting again because it feels uneven. The tension in my back increases, a physical rebellion against my lack of trust. There’s a tight ball in my chest—not exactly pain, but a dense unease.
Communal Endurance vs. Private Failure
On retreat, the discomfort seemed easier to bear because it was shared with others. In a hall, the ache felt like part of the human condition; here, it feels like my own personal burden. Like a solitary trial that I am read more proving to be unworthy of. The thought "this is wrong practice" repeats like a haunting mantra in my mind. The fear is that I'm just hardening my ego rather than dissolving it.
The Trap of "Proof" and False Relief
Earlier today I read something about wrong effort, and my mind seized it like proof. “See? This explains everything. You’ve been doing it wrong.” The idea is a toxic blend of comfort and terror. Relief that the problem has a name, but panic because the solution seems impossible. Sitting here now, I feel both at once. My jaw is clenched. I release the clench, but it's back within a minute. It’s an automatic reflex.
The Shifting Tide of Discomfort
The pain shifts slightly, which is more annoying than if it had stayed constant. I was looking for something stable to observe; I wanted a "fixed" object. Rather, it ebbs and flows, feeling like a dynamic enemy that is playing games with my focus. I try to maintain neutrality, but I fail. I notice the failure. Then I wonder if noticing the failure is progress or just more thinking.
“Chanmyay doubt” is not dramatic; it is a low, persistent hum asking, “Are you sure?” I offer no reply, primarily because I am genuinely unsure. The air is barely moving in my chest, but I leave it alone. I’ve learned that forcing anything right now just adds another layer of tension to untangle later.
The sound of the clock continues, but I resist the urge to check the time. The sensation of numbness is spreading through my foot, followed by the "prickling" of pins and needles. I haven't moved yet, but I'm negotiating the exit in my mind. The clarity is gone. The "technical" and the "personal" have fused into a single, uncomfortable reality.
I don’t resolve anything tonight. The pain doesn’t teach me a lesson. The doubt doesn’t disappear. I am just here, acknowledging that "not knowing" is also the path, even if I don't have a strategy for this mess. Just breathing, just aching, just staying. Which feels like the only honest thing happening right now.